Amy Chua, the Tiger Mom, made headlines recently when she shared her hard-edged approach to parenting. Brie takes a look at both camps and shares her own take on this hot topic…
We went out to dinner with some close friends the other night and they asked my husband and me what we thought of the whole Tiger Mom phenomenon that’s taken the news by storm. It’s funny, I found myself hesitant to jump into my opinions about it all, honestly. But truthfully, I find it all pretty intriguing. And your darn right, like every other Mom out there, I have my opinions.
If you’ve been in a closet the past few weeks, Amy Chua, the so called “Tiger Mom,” wrote a controversial memoir about raising kids and being Chinese and a lot, lot more. An article came out recently called Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior that started a national and international frenzy creating two pretty strong camps with loads of stragglers in between. On one side the rigid, no-spend the night, 5 hour long piano practice enforcing, “Eastern” immigrant and like-minded parents. On the other side, the liberal, self-esteem concerned, helicopter, give-your-kid-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, “Western” parents.
So I waited. I wanted to hear what they thought first. The two of them are not parents. But the woman is a teacher who I’ve worked with, and respect greatly. Both of their opinions matter very much to my husband and me. And then I dove in…
Honestly, yes, I think Amy Chua has some crazy ideas. The fact that she didn’t allow sleepovers and forced her kids to choose either piano or violin, despite their personal interests was maybe a bit strong for my liking. But I gotta say, having worked with kids as long as I can remember, it was refreshing to hear that someone out there also believes in the importance of discipline, routine, high expectations, practice and hard work. And this someone doesn’t just talk about it, she enforces it.
Perhaps what strikes me the most about this whole frenzy is that it has hit such a prevalent chord with so many people worldwide, even people who are not parents themselves. Clearly, everyone is influenced greatly by how we all choose to raise our kids. It seems in many ways, who we become has a great deal to do with how we were raised.
I guess my biggest take away from this whole craze is the value of constantly checking in with how I am parenting. I believe it is, and should be a mindful journey the entire way through. Where I live in Colorado, the parenting pendulum is definitely sitting pretty heavily in the learn-by-choice/exploration, cater-to-the-kid camp. Not that this is a bad thing by any means, but the notion that another way might be good or even better is a good shock to the system for a lot of people.
Truth be told, this provides a hell of an opportunity to look at myself as a parent and reevaluate why I stand so firmly where I stand to begin with. Without these kinds of firm opinions and challenges out there, we’d never have to look at ourselves and why we act and believe what we do in the first place. And for that, I thank the Big, Bad Tiger Mom.
And I thought I had it rough when my father would make me repeat every measure of a song when practicing piano over and over until I got it right! He was super tough… but looking back, I’m so thankful that my parents pushed me so hard. Even though I didn’t make it to Carnegie Hall (sorry Dad), I’ve seen the benefits of that education in so many other areas of my life.
I’m a firm believer that it’s best to push your children to excel. Now, Amy may have a few far fetched ideas… like something I heard about not accepting a birthday card her daughter made, but like you, I’m glad someone’s bringing up the need for stricter parenting and more discipline. If we just keep getting more and more lax with our kids… what’s to become of the next generation?!
very well said! I totally agree. When I first heard about the Tiger Mom, I also laid low for a while… interested to hear what everyone would say. My gut reaction though, was thank goodness! I am glad she is bringing up a conversation amongst parents, about discipline and has got people thinking if maybe we have become a generation of “lax” parenting.
I like you think some of her ideas are a bit much, but I totally agree that discipline, routine, high expectations, practice and hard work are vital in raising our children. I hope as my son gets older I will be strong enough to enforce some of these ideals, in an era of what seems to believe “let your kids do whatever they want, when they want”.
I agree with you, Brie. If all we get from this hot-topic is a reminder to keep our parenting in check, that’s enough for me. I think that one of the most important things in parenting (and teaching) is to be proactive, instead of reactive.
While I don’t plan on being as strict and extreme as “Tiger Mom”, I definitely believe that it would be a disservice to my child to give in to his every indulgence. It makes me sad to see parents giving young children freedoms that they are not mature enough to handle. Our children need us to give them age appropriate boundaries so they can develop responsibility, confidence, and maturity. As they gradually show more of these qualities, I believe they are more for a little more freedom at a time.
And when it comes to discipline, I believe that we can let our children know that we love them WHILE being consistent to implement natural consequences to their actions. Too often in parenting, I see parents afraid that their children won’t feel loved if they are consistent with discipline. THAT IS WRONG! As a matter of fact, children thrive on consistency and have strong respect for the adults in their lives who proactively help them to develop character!
Whew…….I’m just a little interested in this topic, can ya tell? Thanks for addressing this, Brie:)
By the way, I haven’t read her book. I only saw her on a couple interviews. Like some of you, I just was happy to see a counterpart to the way that parenting seems to be swinging in American culture. However some of those extreme examples sound a little crazy, if you ask me.
Thank you, Brie, for approaching this subject. I sometimes wonder if it isn’t just our own culture of self-indulgence that has led us to be relaxed about the education of our children. It takes a lot of work to be a caring, demanding and disciplined parent, doesn’t it? But I still think that there’s nothing wrong with a good combination of strong discipline, high expectations and a lot of love. What I find hard is not to fall in the trap of demanding my children to make up for my own shortcomings.
I’ve not actually read the book, but did see her interview on The Today Show. I think it would be an interesting read.
She’s allowed her youngest to begin tennis instead of playing the piano so much. She may be adjusting some to Western culture without completely throwing her culture out of the window. I wonder if she was always present during study and lessons. And most importantly, do her children know they are loved because they are simply her children or do they feel like they are loved because of their accomplishments?
As a piano and voice teacher, it is amazing how much I can decipher about a person’s parenting style, just in the 30 minutes a week I see them and their children. Most often, I get the, “I just didn’t have time” excuse for having to reassign the same song week after week. And the parents are right there making the excuses with them. While I am thankful that I am making a living teaching these lessons, my internal response is often, “Why are you wasting my time and your money if you’re not going to teach them the discipline of practicing?” I have had a few immigrant Asian students (Japanese and South Korean) who absolutely blew me away in their ability to focus and their dedication to learning their assignments! What a joy they were to teach!
As a mother, I can certainly recognize that discipline is hard. It’s exhausting to discipline myself to make sure that I’m consistent in the hopes that my daughter will learn those same disciplines, even though she is only a wee lass of 15 months! =) I think it is crucial for parents to challenge their children to develop a good work ethic and be the best that they can be. Our society has become far too lax in that regard, much to the detriment of the children we think we are “helping.” I do NOT think that rejecting a handmade card or calling a child “garbage” is in any way uplifting or beneficial. There is a difference in consistently teaching discipline and cruelly attacking children verbally. Tiger Mom’s kids may have grown up prepared to “rule the world,” but I doubt they have grown up prepared to love it, or to show grace (which we all desperately need), or to feel deep compassion for others. Balance is key. Love + Discipline = happy kiddos!
Thanks for all your comments, Ladies! It’s great to know there are others out there who could at least extract some good of what she’s trying to say, though a lot of it may be a bit much! Thanks for your thoughts..